Seeing as how every real Christian needs a good conversion story, I’ve decided to post mine. I mean… without a good conversion story how would any other Christian know that I am truly a believer?
So here goes:
By the age of 3 I was already smoking a pack and a half of cigarettes and drinking a case and a half of beer every day. Of course, the smoking led to much harder drugs and the drinking turned me into an alcoholic.
On my sixth birthday my dad gave me a pound of weed to share with all my other un-saved friends. In only two days all the weed was smoked up. A few years later I realized that I needed something more.
Age 11 I turned from smoking pot to snorting coke. Well, I still smoked weed on occasion, and of course I continued smoking the cigarettes. The case and a half of beer had now escalated to two and a half cases a day.
Once I turned 14 I needed money to support my drug habit… especially since I had added heroin to my list of drug addictions. So I started stealing random things from random stores and/or random people. You know… cars, babies, kidneys… and sold them on the black market. Except for the babies. I sold them on eBay.
Shortly after turning 16 I joined three different gangs. Everyone loved me because I had no mercy. I would kill anyone or anything that stood in my way. I did what I wanted… when I wanted. (That’s why I no longer have any parents… I shot my birth-parents in their sleep and slit the throats of my next three foster-families)
I received the Harry Potter books for my 18th birthday. After I finished reading the books I decided that I would kill exactly six hundred sixty-six people as a sacrifice to show “You Know Who” that I was truly devoted to him.
By the age of 20 I was not only smoking five packs of cigarettes a day, but I was also smoking 27 joints a day, smoking 5 crack-rocks a day, snorting two handfuls of coke a day, injecting over 500 cc’s of heroin each day AND drinking 6 ½ cases of beer each day.
Then one day a few years ago I walked into the bathroom at the local gas station. On top of the toilet I found a Chick-Tract. After reading the tract I realized something very valuable. I learned that I was on the fast track to… *whispers* “H” “E” “Double-Hokey sticks”!!!
There was only one thing for me to do… I had to… Let go… and… let God.
Once I let go and just let God… my entire life changed. I instantly gave up my murderous, drug and alcohol-filled lifestyle and from that moment on I have always been happy. Everything always magically works out for me. I prayed the Prayer of Jabez and God gave me seven and a half million dollars. (and a Thank You card for “joining the good side”) Of course I had to tithe from this money... so I gave 15% instead of the 10% that weaker "Christians" give.
So… if ever any of you weak “Christians” ever want to question my faith… you can read this conversion story and know that I not only learned to let go and let God… but I also got saved!
14 Comments:
this is the most retarded thing I've ever read
That was entertaining. I'd say it was retarded too, but I have a sense of humor. :D
Haha, good story.
You obviously aren't really saved, 'cause you made no mention whatsoever of the Four Spiritual Laws, the fact that God loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life, whether you're ready for the Rapture, or how your life is now driven by purpose. Oh, and I don't think you've ever spoken in tongues and been slain in the Spirit. (Am I forgetting any?)
Yeah, what about the GotLife? tract? And have you ever been to a "Heaven's Gate Hell's Flames" presentation? Nathan, you seem to falling short here, you have a way to go before you're a really dedicated Christian.
Trackback - All Too Common
But you didn't answer the most important question: do you have an icthus on your car?
Alan: I have spoken in tongues and I am slain by the Spirit every day. (that's how good of a Christian I am) How dare you question my faith! As for the other stuff you mentioned... none of that is necessary. I used to kill people, smoke and drink! I am a "C"... I am a "C.H."... I am a "C.H.R.I.S.T.I.A.N." and I have "J.E.S.U.S." in my "H.E.A.R.T." Stop being jealous.
Chris: That wasn't the tract that saved me... it was a better one. It was the "Trust Me" one: http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0025/0025_01.asp
You shouldn't be questioning my faith... sinner!
Andy: Thanks for linking to my story. :)
The Rome Report: I don't know who or what icthus is... but he/it can't save me... only the Chick Tract can!
GET SAVED!!!
As for me, "I was a highwayman. Along the coach roads I did ride. With sword and pistol by my side. Many a young maid lost her baubles to my trade. Many a soldier shed his lifeblood on my blade The bastards hung me in the spring of twenty-five But I am still alive." Wait a minute, thats a Willie Nelson song. Nevermind.
Nathan - I love you so much for this. I almost snapped a rib off laughing at the story. Anyhoo, I'm off to do work for my holier-than-your-job job.
I haven't laughed this hard in awhile. Thanks for the entertainment, Nafan. =D
I thought I knew Jack T. Chick, but that tract is possibly the most offensive "Christian" thing I've ever witnessed. (Witnessed...tract...haha, I made a funny!)
As for the ichthys ("ICK-thoose"), Wikipedia explains well (as usual):
Ichthys (Greek: ἰχθύς; also transliterated and latinized as ichthus, icthus, or ikhthus) is the Greek word for "fish." It refers to a symbol consisting of two intersecting arcs resembling the profile of a fish, supposedly used by the early Christians as a secret symbol and now known colloquially as the "Jesus fish."
...The ichthys also may relate to Jesus as a "fisher of men," or an acronym of the Greek letters ΙΧΘΥΣ (Iota Chi Theta Upsilon Sigma) to the statement of Christian faith "Ἰησοῦς Χριστὸς Θεοῦ Υἱὸς Σωτήρ" (Iēsous Christos Theou Huios Sōtēr: "Jesus Christ, Son of God, Savior").
...The ichthys symbol has been re-adopted by modern Christians as a badge, often with the word "JESUS" in the center of the symbol. Applied to the rear bumper of the car, the symbol is used to indicate to the world that the owner is a Christian.
actually the question is...does your home and car have a rapture hatch? only then can anyone be truly saved.
Yes, Ed... not only does my car have a rapture hatch installed... but so does my house. I am rapture ready.
And Amanda, it's good to see you in my blog. :) I will be taking the creative writing class this upcoming semester... however, I did take a creative writing class ages ago. (high school)
Yea that was a wild story... Right off the wall, but I like it because in some strange way it rings true!
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