Explanation

First let me say welcome to all who will actually read this. I'll try my best to update it often.

As for my first post, I guess I should explain the title of my blog. While listening to Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd these words stuck in my head:

"I can'’t explain, you would not understand.
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb."

I'll go ahead and break this down per line:
First line... I feel that many times I do a terrible job of explaining exactly what I'm thinking/feeling... therefore, most people do not truly understand.

Second line... I have a hard time letting people see the true me. I fear letting people get too close to me, so I keep them at a distance. I don't typically open up and tell people exactly what's on my mind. I do to a point... but rarely have I actually opened my mind/emotions up to others. My mom put it best... after my grandfather died, my aunt mentioned something about how she was worried about the way everyone was taking Paw Paw's death (he was the first death we've had in our family). My mom told her that she was worried about how I was taking it because no one knows exactly what I'm thinking/feeling unless I want them to know what I'm thinking/feeling. I guess it's a defense mechanism I've developed over the years. I mean... people can't hurt you if they don't even know who you are, right?

Third line... as you can see, I've added a few words to my title. I'm not "comfortably numb"... I have numbed myself to what I will allow myself to feel... but I wouldn't exactly call it "comfortable". To be quite honest... sometimes... it sucks. I wish I could just say exactly what I am thinking and feeling... without fear of being hurt by it later.

So... that explains the title and part of the reason of starting a blog. I'm hoping to just sit and type until I no longer have words to type. But who knows... this blog may die out shortly after starting it. We shall see.